Moving Forward

I know people have been checking our blog to see how we are doing. I have wanted to post something but just have not had an inspiration of words.

On the one hand, I can't quite bring myself to say we're better, or at least that I am. On the other, the pain is not so constant. Our counselor continues to stress (gently) that when thoughts come up or when I'm just feeling down, that that is a signal I need to grieve and so I've filled out a grief inventory to help me focus on the loss and not the circumstances. It's difficult, but apparently necessary. I'm not usually a very emotional person so these daily upheavals are wearying, and honestly, sometimes frustrating. 

I'm driving again- not a lot, but I am. I'm dropping the girls off at the dance studio a couple of times a week and I'm grocery shopping. Yesterday I had a longer drive. Longer than necessary actually because I got myself all turned around the wrong way. That cloak of melancholy still hangs over me wherever I go, too. The hardest thing now is when I'm feeling okay and then suddenly I'm not. Sometimes there's a trigger but other times it just comes out of the blue.

A dear friend shared a verse with me from Proverbs that describes how I often am.  

Proverbs 14:13a "Even in laughter the heart may ache"

Our continued thanks for your prayers.

Trusting in the grace of Jesus,

Naomi

 

PS I was going to post this yesterday, but didn't get around to actually sending it in. Today Tartan took a day off and we went as a family to Main Event. We ate and bowled and had a really fun time. It felt good to have a great time together. I am reminded of God's goodness to us.

Rollercoaster

God is teaching me more than I ever really wanted to know about grief. And, I'm still learning.

I have learned that it does not follow a straight path or have a graceful arc to it. It's more like a rollercoaster in the dark. I have never liked rollercoasters. Our grief counselor told us last week that we, as human beings, will go to great and various lengths to go around pain and he told us what those ways were so we would avoid them. Pain is a warning system. When we feel pain, we look for the source and deal with it. We have to go through this pain and deal with it. I'm still unclear how we're supposed to do that.

I've learned that grief is exhausting and stressful, both emotionally and physically. My appetite is sometimes ok and sometimes bad. I'm using a combination of ibuprofen, muscle rub and a percussion massager to try and relieve the pain in my neck, shoulders and back. I should do something more; I just don't have the energy for it. For the emotional pain, I cry, pray and/or distract. I find that there's only so much of the emotional pain that I can stand in one day before I become somewhat numb.

Grief is not always an active thing. Even when I'm not thinking about anything in particular, I have what I'd call a cloak of melancholy. It just surrounds me most of the time. Occasionally I break through and enjoy a moment- I smile and laugh- and then it settles around me again.

On the other hand, I've also learned that I believe what I say I do. Though I grieve, it's not a hopeless grief. Mary Beth Chapman quotes C.S. Lewis in her book Choosing to See. Tartan posted that quote as his Facebook status the other night.

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

His best has turned out to be very painful indeed, but as Paul writes in 2 Corinthians v 17, "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." I know Paul was speaking about persecution, but any trouble we have during our life is momentary when seen from an eternal perspective. And what is unseen - Aimee blissfully enjoying her Jesus in heaven - is eternal.

Still trusting,
Naomi

Our heartfelt thanks

We want to take this opportunity to let everyone know how very deeply we appreciate all that has been done to support our family during this painful time. We have been so incredibly surrounded by thoughts and prayers, by those who sent cards, flowers, and gifts, who worked on all the funeral details, and attended the funeral. We appreciate all those who have donated to Aimee's memorial fund. We are thankful for everything that has been done for us, from providing meals, groceries and rides to staying in our home and serving us while it's been hard for us to do even the everyday things. We are particularly thankful for God's provision of dear friends and family who will continue walking with us and praying for us through this ongoing process, even when to the outside it may appear that life is returning to a semblance of "normal".  As we grieve so deeply, we also are experiencing the truth of God's promise: "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:19)

Tartan & Naomi

Even a Crossword

I received an e-mail from a very good friend sharing an experience she and her family had on Friday after the funeral. It was what we refer to as a "God sighting". She related to me that the family was just sitting quietly at home after the service and her husband picked up the Friday crossword as he usually did the crossword in the Chronicle. The clue for 5 Down was "Name meaning Beloved". He asked my friend if she she could think of a possible answer. Based on a couple of clues already filled in, she asked if "Aimee" would fit. It did. They checked the solution the next day and there was her name.

I don't know if the puzzle maker was aware of our story and intentionally incorporated her name. Regardless, it was one more God-filled small detail, one more reminder, that she was and is Beloved.

Being Comforted

It is not my intention to write consistently to our blog, but a couple of days ago Tartan said I should write again. And when I say that I will write, I have to mention that it's often a joint effort. I typically throw thoughts down in a mostly coherent fashion, but Tartan then takes it and cleans it up. In the months ahead I (we) will try to write from time to time so that all those who are praying now and especially those who will continue to pray will see that God has heard them.

It was one thing to know that getting past the funeral would not mean things would be instantly easier and in fact hard days would be ahead and another to experience it. Just like it's one thing to know where Aimee is, the joy and peace she has, and that really the time apart in the grand scheme of things will be short - but quite another to not be able to touch and see and hold right now. Yesterday I had posted to Facebook that it was a hard day; I had seen a number of reminders that would suddenly jump out at me. Even before I saw the responses, I had felt the calming and the peace of friends' prayers. Last night at nearly the same time, though we were not in the same room, that painful missing hit us both again. I'm not sure what it was like for Tartan, but I felt almost hollow inside. All I could do was cry to God for His mercy and comfort which I gradually received. Your prayers are being heard, and the Spirit also prays for us. "the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26

There are some people who read this who will assume that I can say these things because I'm "super spiritual" or "really religious". Not so. I struggle with finding time to pray and study God's Word, I do not lead any ministries, I have not been on mission trips, I don't have a YouTube channel, I have not written books. I watch some TV and movies and play games on my iPad. I get angry and impatient with my kids. I'm not saying these things to tell you, "sure, go live your life however you want", I'm saying that it's not the things we do, it's Whom we have a relationship with. Tartan and I have been walking on His path for some time now; sometimes stumbling, sometimes pulling back, undoubtedly sometimes just standing still but Jesus has always been there to pick us up or push us gently along. He has given us the teaching and the people and everything else we need to be able to continue walking with Him even closer now. He can do that with you, too; He is very, very patient. Though I hope none of you ever have to go through this kind of pain, the reality is that we all will suffer to some degree at varying times until our time here ends because this is a fallen world. Let Him be there for you, accept the gift He hands out to you from the cross, give Him your life because He will hand it back to you as something so much more.

In His arms,
Naomi

Leaves

Walking by the lazy Colorado River after feasting on Thanksgiving dinner at the RV park in Kerrville. Hand in hand alternately with my wife… my daughter… both of them… Watching Aimee run ahead, then drop back to grab our hands and command: "One, Two, THREE!" expecting to be lifted off her feet and propelled forward, swung by our lifted hands.

Aimee spying a giant oak tree leaf, brown and discarded beside the path. Soon a dried oak leaf bouquet begins to form. "Here, Daddy - this one is for you!" as she holds out one particularly large leaf. I take it and put it over my heart where it stays in place, somehow magically adhering to my fleece jacket. Aimee smiling, then skipping away again - off on her quest to find more fallen leaves, more wondrous beauty hidden in plain sight.

As I gaze outside, at the rain and pools of water and fallen leaves littering the ground, my thoughts wander to heaven: Images of long walks beside streams of living water, gathering crisp, exquisite leaves of gold and silver on a beautiful, perfect autumn day that isn't really autumn at all; each leaf an infinite, priceless treasure extravagantly given from one heart to another.

Aimee

I have left the shadows for the light

Bright, glorious, sparkly day

Leaving behind the ones who love me most

For the One who loves me most

Come see My Jesus!

Aimee Katherine Collier

2008-2012