Baptism

Last Sunday, Kayleigh, Abigail, Aidan and I were baptized along with a whole slew of brothers and sisters from our church, including my sister and her husband. The weather was not only cooperative, but perfect. It was a very special day for us.

Six months

It's been six months. Six months since Aimee banged on our door and told me to wake up because it was "morning time!". Six months since I pulled her up into my bed and she cuddled up next to me, giving her dad a cheeky grin that said, "I'm in your spot, Daddy!"

Six months since I pulled her up into my lap that afternoon and held her while we stared long into each other's eyes. I set her down and then let her go. 

Four things that will never change:

1. We miss Aimee. 

2. We will not see her again on this earth. 

3. She is with Jesus. 

4. We will see her again. 

The first two are the things that make me grieve and make some days harder than others. The last two are what give me hope and enable me to go on day after day with joy, and yes, even happiness.

Something else that never will change: God. He is the same God he has always been and always will be. He is holy, all-powerful, all-knowing, and all things are in His hands. He is just- which is why we need a Savior. He is also gracious, loving and compassionate, which is why He sent the Savior, Jesus. He is beyond our understanding, His ways are not our ways, and yet He reveals Himself in His Word. 

Not much else to say, except

I will trust in Him.

> Naomi for the Colliers

Our three girls will all be performing in the Saturday afternoon show. The eldest two perform in all three shows. Contact me if you want me to get tickets for you.

Finally- an update

There is a stump way in the back of our yard near the pond where I go and sit almost every day; sometimes twice in a day. It's where I go to think about Aimee and grieve. I hate that she's gone. There is healing in my heart, but I miss her so much. The children all seem to be doing well. They miss her, too, but they seem very resilient. Willing to give it to God and move on. I seem to have to hand it to God over and over again. There are so many reminders and then I also think of the things I'll never do with her or see her do. I think Tartan's experience is similar, but from a daddy perspective. 
 
I know this sounds very melancholy- but it doesn't take up most of my day anymore. We've settled into new routines and there are many things that keep me busy and happy most of the time. It's easy to think I'm perfectly fine, but I'm not fully there yet and I don't know when I will be. There are still a few things I don't do and a few that I don't do well. I'm starting to believe that I will be able to do them eventually though, whereas before I thought it would be impossible. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say I've accepted what happened, but hopefully that I can live with it until I get Home. I find that there is happiness and joy in our lives again. Amazing how God can do that. 
 
If you've been praying for us, please know God has heard those prayers and he's answering them, but there's no rushing Him. If you continue to pray, pray for comfort and reassurance. For me, pray that I can continue to trust God.
 
We have not spoken to Elizabeth's family in a while so I have to guess at how best to pray for her. Please pray for assurance of God's love and presence in her life. Pray for healing and comfort in her heart.


Trusting even when it's hard,
Naomi for the Colliers

Moving Forward

I know people have been checking our blog to see how we are doing. I have wanted to post something but just have not had an inspiration of words.

On the one hand, I can't quite bring myself to say we're better, or at least that I am. On the other, the pain is not so constant. Our counselor continues to stress (gently) that when thoughts come up or when I'm just feeling down, that that is a signal I need to grieve and so I've filled out a grief inventory to help me focus on the loss and not the circumstances. It's difficult, but apparently necessary. I'm not usually a very emotional person so these daily upheavals are wearying, and honestly, sometimes frustrating. 

I'm driving again- not a lot, but I am. I'm dropping the girls off at the dance studio a couple of times a week and I'm grocery shopping. Yesterday I had a longer drive. Longer than necessary actually because I got myself all turned around the wrong way. That cloak of melancholy still hangs over me wherever I go, too. The hardest thing now is when I'm feeling okay and then suddenly I'm not. Sometimes there's a trigger but other times it just comes out of the blue.

A dear friend shared a verse with me from Proverbs that describes how I often am.  

Proverbs 14:13a "Even in laughter the heart may ache"

Our continued thanks for your prayers.

Trusting in the grace of Jesus,

Naomi

 

PS I was going to post this yesterday, but didn't get around to actually sending it in. Today Tartan took a day off and we went as a family to Main Event. We ate and bowled and had a really fun time. It felt good to have a great time together. I am reminded of God's goodness to us.

Rollercoaster

God is teaching me more than I ever really wanted to know about grief. And, I'm still learning.

I have learned that it does not follow a straight path or have a graceful arc to it. It's more like a rollercoaster in the dark. I have never liked rollercoasters. Our grief counselor told us last week that we, as human beings, will go to great and various lengths to go around pain and he told us what those ways were so we would avoid them. Pain is a warning system. When we feel pain, we look for the source and deal with it. We have to go through this pain and deal with it. I'm still unclear how we're supposed to do that.

I've learned that grief is exhausting and stressful, both emotionally and physically. My appetite is sometimes ok and sometimes bad. I'm using a combination of ibuprofen, muscle rub and a percussion massager to try and relieve the pain in my neck, shoulders and back. I should do something more; I just don't have the energy for it. For the emotional pain, I cry, pray and/or distract. I find that there's only so much of the emotional pain that I can stand in one day before I become somewhat numb.

Grief is not always an active thing. Even when I'm not thinking about anything in particular, I have what I'd call a cloak of melancholy. It just surrounds me most of the time. Occasionally I break through and enjoy a moment- I smile and laugh- and then it settles around me again.

On the other hand, I've also learned that I believe what I say I do. Though I grieve, it's not a hopeless grief. Mary Beth Chapman quotes C.S. Lewis in her book Choosing to See. Tartan posted that quote as his Facebook status the other night.

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

His best has turned out to be very painful indeed, but as Paul writes in 2 Corinthians v 17, "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." I know Paul was speaking about persecution, but any trouble we have during our life is momentary when seen from an eternal perspective. And what is unseen - Aimee blissfully enjoying her Jesus in heaven - is eternal.

Still trusting,
Naomi

Our heartfelt thanks

We want to take this opportunity to let everyone know how very deeply we appreciate all that has been done to support our family during this painful time. We have been so incredibly surrounded by thoughts and prayers, by those who sent cards, flowers, and gifts, who worked on all the funeral details, and attended the funeral. We appreciate all those who have donated to Aimee's memorial fund. We are thankful for everything that has been done for us, from providing meals, groceries and rides to staying in our home and serving us while it's been hard for us to do even the everyday things. We are particularly thankful for God's provision of dear friends and family who will continue walking with us and praying for us through this ongoing process, even when to the outside it may appear that life is returning to a semblance of "normal".  As we grieve so deeply, we also are experiencing the truth of God's promise: "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:19)

Tartan & Naomi